Oct 25 - Nov 2

Andie,

Preface i

Andie. I know the timing of this may seem too soon. I realized

something. I was lying to not only you but also myself about my

expectations and intentions. I told you that none of what I was

doing was to get you back. Every single day, to push myself, I

envisioned myself focusing intensely on bettering myself in every

way that I could, then in due time, coming to you with all of this

information, explanations, reflection, and an acceptance letter to

UCSD. On days when I was weighted down so heavily by this

situation that I created, the only thing I put any effort into was

school. I knew that one bad quiz or exam score could put the

possibility of getting accepted in jeopardy. So I continued working

as hard as I could and doing as many extracurriculars as I could. I

owe it to you not to lie and chase anymore. However, with the

volatility of the situation, I think it is best I explain things now. I

still believe that things would not work out without us being in the

same school. Choosing a school determines my entire future, and

putting this sort of volatility into getting into UCSD still makes my

driving force every single day, you. I don't think I can confidently

say that I am moving forward while my biggest goal is getting into

your school for you. I want to give you the respect and truth you

deserve. I want to change with pure intentions.

Preface ii

This is an explanation of things I have realized through reflection,

therapy, situations, and my intentions and reasonings behind most of

the actions I have done that led to the downfall of us. I don't know

everything that hurt you or everything you know so I am sorry if I

missed some things. However, what I explain here is the basis for

every single action I took. Something I will say now and will say

throughout this entire letter is that none of this explanation justifies

this in my head. I think how I handled every situation was wrong in

some form and I know my reasoning in the past was flawed. However,

it is still the reasoning I had that led to my actions. I am not

explaining these things for any other reason than to bring you some

sort of assurance and comfort. Again, I will be trying to refrain from

being overly emotional or talking about my love too much to keep this

from seeming like I am trying to manipulate you or get you back. If I

fail at that in moments I sincerely apologize. I will also use the word

relationship often. Since I will be explaining my interactions with

other women, I feel the need to explain that none of the times I use

that word is it in a romantic sense.

Selling my life short

Through 2023, I had reflected and worked on myself more than I

ever have. I believe that was the year that brought the most change

and maturity to my life as well. Going into 2024 I had a goal.

Prove my past self wrong and build a serious, long term, and

healthy romantic relationship for the first time in my life. I

would not start approaching every single girl or let this goal

get in the way of more important things in life. However, I wanted

to feel what it was like to have a genuine and deep loving

relationship for the first time. It is human nature to yearn for

this love. I am no different. I had failed in every instance in the

past. While not every time it may have been due to my actions, I

did not handle it well in any of the situations. I often let

insecurity and immaturity control my actions. I felt a sense that

I needed to rush as 2024 would be my last full year in this town

for a while. I had other goals for this year of course, but this

one felt stronger. As a longing for love is always strong. I

committed myself to not being too scared to approach people who

caught my interest, being honest about whether I liked someone or

was uncomfortable, and importantly, not talking to any females

online in a romantic sense. That will make more sense in the

coming paragraphs. Getting to know you birthed a harsh contrast

within myself. I felt the feeling. The one you can't describe, the

one that makes everything feel okay. I felt that with you, yet it

was the exact opposite of what I committed myself to. At first, I

completely succumb to that feeling. Driving me to talk to you and

start talking romantically. However, every day I told myself that

this was not right. I told myself that I couldn't do this as if the

opportunity for a serious romantic relationship in person came to me,

I would owe it to myself to take it. I knew that this conflict would

ultimately result in someone getting hurt. Yet the feeling you

gave me was intoxicating. It was true. Through this commitment to

myself and more importantly, the reasons to follow, I did not see

us as serious as I should have. I looked back in my journal. I

wrote months ago about how much I liked you, how much you enticed

me, and how much of a genuine interest I had in you. Yet I followed

it by saying that continuing to be romantic with you felt as if I

was 'selling my life short'. I believe this sense of selling my

life short is the grounds for the uncertainty and contradictions

between my actions and words.

Negative connotations about online relationships

This section is to provide context as to why I built these

ideas in my subconscious thought. It is not for sympathy. It

is embarrassing having to write this to you, yet I owe it to

you. For a variety of reasons, I was a very insecure kid.

Childhood trauma, my relationship with my body, and my

interests led me to feel too ashamed to believe I was worthy

of having a relationship in person. I had no hobby or

interest that could connect me to others in person either.

Instead, I spent a harsh amount of time on Instagram. I had

made a lot of friends and had a sense of community through

those people. In person I was very ashamed of myself, online

however, I felt that people cared. This led me to begin

'online dating'. It was often very shallow. Talking to girls

through Instagram for no more than 5 months. Misinterpreting

being listened to and affectionate with love. This continued

for years. They were immature from both ends. Though I looked

back on it with a lot of embarrassment, I never took it

seriously enough to ever reflect on it. I felt I had matured

to the point beyond ever doing anything like that again.

However, by moving forward I subconsciously attached all of my

embarrassment, shame, and past immaturity to those interactions

and lifestyle. Though I never realized it, this is why I would

not have a social media presence and why I said I looked down

on social media / discord. I had to completely detach from my

sense of ego to see just how much of a negative connotation

I built towards online communities and especially online

relationships. Not only that, but all of this unchecked

insecurity and self hatred from the past was thrown onto the

idea of online relationships and online friends as a whole.

Hence why an in person relationship was such a big goal of

mine. Hence why I would constantly bring up conversations about

choosing someone I met at school over you. I committed myself

to never taking online friendships and especially romantic

relationships seriously. I told myself these negative things

about them and reminded myself of the past enough to where it

became subconscious thought to see them as extremely negative.

The constant clash with you, the person I had developed a

genuine admiration and love for, with the fact that you were

behind the medium that I had put so much insecurity and past

self-hatred into ate at me. Every thought of you, when it came

to a relationship, had to go through a thin subconscious veil

of past self hatred and insecurity. This led to complete

uncertainty and doubt. I believe it showed in my actions.

Constant talks about ending things and the distance not being

satisfying for either of us. Years of these repeated thoughts

and ideals formed connotations. These connotations formed my

idea of how I should act. While I wish it wasn't the case, not

even we could break these connotations easily. Eventually, I

overcame them, sadly, much too late.

Not taking us seriously

Something that is hard to admit is that I did not take us

seriously for months. Knowing that since the beginning, I was

the one you dreamt about, makes it hard to tell you. It is

painful having to tell you that I did not take it as seriously

as you, but it is the truth. The two reasons above are the

main reasons as to why. Not feeling that we were close

enough / knew enough personal information also led to this.

A very important factor that led to this as well was age.

I don't think I need to explain why dating someone under 18

isn't the most attractive idea. There was never a moment

where I felt that you were immature. I never felt that there

was a disparity between us when it came to age. Nothing I

ever did towards you was because of age. However, Leo and

Megan had both told me your age and told me not to talk to

you. This and societal standards made me very weary of

taking us seriously. Obviously in the moment, the feelings

between us were so strong that I couldn't help but express

that through affection. Especially when you were making it

clear you felt the same. However, this fear of others

thinking negatively really affected me before I felt love

beyond ego. I'm sorry I let other peoples opinions affect

the way I treated you and us. Something I need to clarify is

that this doesn't mean the feelings weren't true. When I was

affectionate with you, I wasn't doing it to get anything out

of it. I was genuinely interested in you and wanted to match

it. Most importantly sexually. I take sexual experiences very

seriously. I am not inexperienced sexually due to a lack of

wanting to experience those things with another person. I

am inexperienced because I have yet to meet someone who I

felt comfortable enough to do those things with. I think this

shows in the first experience, where I awkwardly avoided it.

After that, I was convinced that it would not happen again.

When it did, the feelings of comfort were there. It felt

natural and right. I felt that sharing that experience with

you was okay. This lack of seriousness came from my flawed

reasoning above, but also insecurity. Insecurity and

deflection. I ran away from the reality of what we were

building because I did not want to face a hard decision. I

was immature in doing what felt good over having a hard

conversation.

Volatility

As I have said, the love I have built for you has given me the

sense that I am willing to make serious life altering decisions

for you. That sense wasn't always there however. I knew the

only way we would work out is if we were to go to the same school.

Very early on I knew what this entailed. Choosing my school for

you would decide my location, my schooling, my friends, my job

opportunities, my school payments, my life essentially. This is

so much volatility for someone I have never met before. I hope

you can see why I was very hesitant and conflicted when it came

to if I should take you seriously. Our situations make it hard

for long distance. You will be at UCSD for years. I had another

year here. Plus a decision. It isn't even guaranteed that I will

get accepted to your school. It is all so scary. To this day I

still fear that I won't get accepted. A lot of the insecurity

that I showed from within stemmed from insecurity in the

situation. There was so much conflict with how I felt and the

situation at hand. The stress from college and applications is

already a lot. Deciding if I should choose a school for you

added so much conflict onto that. I don't say this to make you

feel bad. Just to bring insight into the situation that faced

me in those times.

Jealousy & Control

Reflection, therapy, and reading has made me have a greater

understanding of ego and jealousy. The fear and insecurity that

breeds it. How a lack of trust in myself led to a lack of trust

in others. How the lack of communication could have made easily

avoidable situations and arguments. Most importantly though,

it led me to hold you back in life. This yearn for control out

of insecurity held you back from forming fulfilling relationships.

Held you back from making memories. This insecurity and fear

completely blinded me to the fact that I was halting your

personal growth. Realizing this has made me specifically ashamed

of myself. It is hard because it makes me question if my love for

you was true when I was actively being someone who was holding

you back in your life. I feel extremely ashamed and sorry for

doing that to you. I let my immaturity breed an unhealthy start

to our relationship. I let my ego build unrealistic ideas and

expectations. I let my insecurity make me lash out at you and

hold you to unrealistic expectations. I let fear make me hold

you back from growing as a human and experiencing life's beauty.

I am sorry. Truly.

Accepting you

We are very different. I have realized just how easy it is to

judge people who do things differently from us. Not a passing

comment, but a lack of acceptance. I did not accept you, Andie.

I thought I loved you. I thought I held a deep admiration and

appreciation. Yet I was constantly trying to change who you were.

That is not truly loving someone, romantically or humanely. I

don't think that means everything I felt was not true. But I

cannot lie to you or myself any longer. Even if it was not

consciously or from malice. I tried changing you in my image.

Now that I have discovered this and where this desire for

control comes from, I have begun to see the beauty in you.

Andie for who she really is. I am sorry I tried to change you.

You are a beautiful soul. I let insecurity and fear change you

in my flawed image. I am sorry my insecurities held me back from

truly loving you with pure intentions.

Jessie

At first, it was what I said it was. It felt different from what I

had expected. From both you and Jessie. That scared me. However it

built. I did not lie about how strongly it made me feel. I really

did feel a hole in my abdomen whenever I saw you guys talking or

thought about it. I really did not know why. It felt like a gut

feeling. Because we were not official, I knew I couldn't say

anything. I was the one holding back from taking things seriously,

so I couldn't tell you. I knew just by telling you, the idea of you

having to stop talking to him would go into your mind. I didn't

want that because I didn't want you to think I was controlling. I

also didn't want you to lose friends over me. Not communicating it

made it worse however. Obviously, with no conversation, there is no

change. It built beyond what I thought it ever could. It genuinely

ruined my daily life for some time. I could not go 5 minutes

without thinking about it. Thinking of you romantically would feel

weighed down by it. It made me so emotional I would begin crying in

public. It would cause such a deep and painful gut feeling every

single day. I would sit and stare at you guys in call. I would be

so hypnotized by how strongly I felt. Because of this it truly felt

like there was no other option than the most extreme, even if it

were untrue. I remember telling you that we had to end things

before telling you about Jessie. It made me feel so strongly that

it felt like the final straw on top of the things I talked about

above. After it failed and we continued talking. I decided to tell

you. It was extremely hard as I felt so insecure in doing so. I

knew I couldn't go any longer without telling you though. I really

did want to try and overcome it. I really didn't want you to lose

friends over me and I mean that. I know I have said constantly

conflicting things regarding this situation. I really do think that

I told you not to drop him because I wanted to get past this. I

wanted to learn from this. You were right. There was a deeper

issue. Dropping Jessie did nothing to fix the deeper issue. I

look back with such regret for how I handled it. I know that if I

looked internally with how I felt about the situation, I could begin

to see the flaws in my thoughts. Instead I took it externally, saying

that you not dropping him was a sign of you not loving me. A sign

that you weren't willing to sacrifice for me. This insecurity once

again showed as projection. I was confused on what I was willing to

sacrifice for you. I pinned dropping Jessie onto you as a way to

give me guidance. If you did I would commit to us. If you didn't, I

would have a reason not to. A deflection tactic to run away from

my conflicting feelings. I look back on the deep gut feeling it gave

me. The one that ruined my life for weeks. I believe it is a mix

of intuition and karma. Intuition that this situation would be the

end of us. Karma for the insane expectations that I held you to.

Mia

I had a very high view of Mia before she and I met. Jessie talked

so highly of her and their relationship. I admired it so much and

had always longed for a friendship that deep for that long. When we

met we quickly clicked. We had a lot in common when it came to

games, music, and interests. We talked every single day and it was

really enjoyable. One of those friendships where you look forward

to talking to them because you know every day is a building block

to a close friendship. However, one day I noticed something. I

noticed I was eager for her texts back. When I enjoyed something,

she was the first person I'd show. When I wanted to watch or play

something, she was the first person I would ask. Realizing this

made me immediately take a step back. I had to question if what

I was feeling for her was strictly platonic. In this, I realized

three things. First, she was still in high school and was 17

(ironic). Second, she lived in another state and there would

never be an opportunity for us to visit if it wasn't strictly

for each other as neither of our cities had anything of interest.

Last and most importantly was her relationship with Jessie.

Jessie described her as a sister. I thought back to how much I

admired how he talked about her and their friendship. I knew I

could not do that to him. After that point, I completely dropped

any idea of seeing her in a romantic sense. As I did not see her

romantically and had no interest in anyone else, her sense of

humor did not bother me. She often talked about me, Leo, and

others in a cutesy and sometimes sexual or romantic way. She

would call Jessie cute affectionate names and she would be

overly sexual with Leo. I came to accept this as part of her

personality and entertained it as I thought it was funny.

Through months of this, I became desensitized to how it may look

from an outside perspective. I believe through entertaining it,

it became worse and worse. We became comfortable in saying

things that were completely unacceptable to say when romantically

involved with another person. If you ask me or her we will both

tell you that none of it was ever serious. We never talked about

interest in each other. I cannot explain continuing to talk to

her in that way other than ignorance and oversight from me. I

know it does not sound nice, but it never crossed my mind how

it may affect you. I regret it deeply and wish I was more aware

as a partner. I'm sorry.

Daniela

Since the day I met Daniela, there was a sort of tension. We both

knew it and started talking privately. Within a month our

conversations led to sexual topics. We would talk about them and

tease each other, yet we never had a sexual interaction through

text or call. I quickly noticed that all of our conversations

seemed to lead to those topics. It was nice opening up about

personal things like sexuality and gender to this person. At

first, I was entertained by this. As stated in the beginning, I

did not see these interactions as serious because of my beliefs

about online relationships and interactions. Yet it felt shallow

because our conversations always seemed to become sexual in

some way. I became uncomfortable with our relationship being

solely about these personal or sexual topics. Out of insecurity,

I ghosted her. We only talked publicly and at that, she would

actively avoid me. After 7 months, I apologized and started

texting her again in August. I brought up a game for us to play

and for about 2 weeks we played that game and caught up. We

texted daily and it was purely friendly. With the stress, school,

and issues between us, I ghosted her for around a month. In the

middle of September, on vc in the girls, I told her the reason I

had ghosted her. I told her about the fear and uncomfortability.

We both agreed and talked into the early morning. Our

conversations led to the same topics, gender and sexuality. To

summarize, I feel a sense of uncertainty in either gender. I

believe that has led to me become very interested in trying

female things, that includes sexual acts. Daniela feels the same,

yet the opposite gender. We had always teased that we could be

the person to bring out these deep internal fantasies in each

other. That sentiment came back in that call. We didn't do

anything sexually, only talk about it and teased each other.

After that call, we teased each other about these sexual

fantasies and dynamics for about a week. I soon realized what I

had done and stopped entertaining it at all. I felt ashamed and

it is why I stopped talking to her easily and before you had

asked me to. I lied that me and Daniela were never romantic. I

never felt a sense of admiration or love for her the way that I

do you. Desire and control are so much more attractive when you

are not secure within yourself. I had succumbed to these and I

feel horrible. As stated before, this had all happened before I

made the commitment within myself that I would make the choices

necessary to spend the rest of my life with you. However, that

does not excuse it in any way possible. What I did was horrible.

I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am. A lot of my

intentions for betterment have been focused on this. I have

learned about ego, desire, and escapism/deflection due to this.

I do not feel sorry or feel bad without intention. I have taken

the steps to learn why I acted that way. Why I cheated. I feel

sorry knowing why I did what I did now. I am very committed to

changing myself in this way because I will never forgive myself

for doing that to you.

I was human

I hope you can begin to see the basis for my flawed reasoning.

Why I would constantly say one thing and then do the other.

Something I have been struggling with is having a grasp on where

I stand with how all of you talk about me. I think you all are

warranted for saying things like I am disgusting, I am sick, and

I am a horrible person. You are justified only with the idea

that I did what I did for no reason other than everything I did

was calculated and planned. At first, those feelings became

internalized, but through taking a step back and with time, I

realize I was human in how I acted. I acted out of insecurity,

I was immature, and I did and said things that hurt others for

my own ego. But I was human. I know within myself that nothing

I did was intentional in manipulating, controlling, or getting

something out of you. I had my reasoning, now I understand just

how flawed that reasoning was, but I had it. My reasonings for

how I acted all came from somewhere. I was inexperienced and

had conflicting emotions and situations everywhere I turned. I

was conflicted internally while everything outside of me was

conflicting as well. I didn't act how I should've, I wasn't as

communicative as I should have been, I shouldn't have fallen

into vices how I did. But I was human. Nothing I did came from

any sort of malicious intent. While I do understand that I don't

want to be that anymore, I don't want to keep telling myself

that I am less than human. I know that none of my actions are

justified. They never will be. However, due to repeated thoughts

and ideas, I acted the way I did outside of you.

I loved you

My reasonings don't mean I lied in how I felt. When we would

talk it felt true. I really did feel the butterflies in my stomach.

When I told you that when I stared into your eyes I felt a

sensation I've never felt before, it was true. When I would

talk about how I've never been more attracted to anyone in my

life before, I meant it. Around the end of September, I took a

step back. I realized the decisions I would have to make. I

realized how you made me feel. I realized that I wanted to go

through the hard times to build something with you. When I was

planning to visit on our birthday, I had came to the conclusion

that I was willing to go through the hard times, the distance,

lose people, be vulnerable. I realized I wanted to see if you

were the person I'd spend the rest of my life with. I realized

what you made me feel is not something I can take for granted

anymore. I realized I really did love you. No matter how much I

told myself I couldn't because it was online. I couldn't

because we had never met. I did. I built a deep admiration for

you. I was committed to going through the process of breaking

all of the connotations, all of the ideas, and all of the issues

in the past to try and build a life with you. I committed to

putting in as much money as I had to make the distance not an

issue. To go to UCSD. To drop people. To learn how to overcome

the feelings of jealousy. I was committed to all of that for you.

I am sorry it was all too late Andie.

Outlook

There is still so much to say. There are things I have left out for

personal reasons. Things I have left out so as to not be too emotional.

I know there will be things you will want explained that are not

here. I am open to conversation about anything. I truly feel I have

nothing to hide anymore. I will continue this path of betterment for

you. I am not shy in hiding the fact that it is for you. I am aware

enough to want to do this for myself as well. However, I want to

give you reassurance. I know that the only way I can do this is by

showing you through action that I am changing for the better. That

I am not less than human. I hope you can begin to look through my

lens somewhat with these explanations. Again, none of my reasoning

is good and none of it excuses any actions I did in the slightest.

I understand that now and hope to build an Isaac with reasoning

that holds morals and love above all else. I hope to achieve a

state beyond the need to tend to an ego.

End

Thank you Andie. Thank you for bringing light into my life. Thank

you for standing up for yourself. Thank you for getting me to change.

Thank you for being the beautiful soul that you are. I will always

keep the letters I have written for you close to me. It is very

hard not breaking and telling you everything I want to tell you

romantically. What I will say. Your soul is the brightest thing that

has come into my life Andie. Your character and your personality

genuinely blow me away. You are a mix of so many amazing things.

Things that I will forever miss. Please hold your head high. You are

so intelligent, kind, and funny. You are the perfect person in my

eyes. I know within my soul that you will build such a beautiful

life. I know you will develop yourself in a respectable way.

Everyone you call a friend is blessed to have you in their life.

You are a special person. You are meant for something more than

you think Andie. You deserve so much more than you think. No

matter what you do, you will do amazing. I never told you, but the

way you would indirectly talk about yourself through stories and

experiences always had me thinking that you are the person I wish

I was. Your passion for life amazes me. Your unapologetic way of

showing yourself is beautiful. You are such a beautiful human. You

are such a beautiful mind. You are such a beautiful soul. I love

you. I love you Amandine.

Isaac